In a story that highlights how actions speak louder than words, 27-year-old Keisha Munz just brutally murdered a spider in her apartment then apologized out loud, as if her guilt will purify her.
Sources confirm Keisha saw the harmless spider, let out a loud yell, immediately grabbed a murder weapon (shoe) and smashed it so hard and fast the spider did not have time to explain that it wished her no harm.
“Oh, um, sorry spider!” she then said aloud while the spider sat squished on the sole of her shoe, as if this would make a difference somehow. “Really sorry! I didn’t want to kill you, of course.”
Reporters find this statement curious, as Keisha did clearly want to kill the spider, or she would not have killed the spider.
“She always apologizes to the bug after she kills it,” said Keisha’s roommate, Fran DeMargo. “But it’s like, the spider can’t hear you, girl. It is dead. It is dead in a huge way.”
As far as why she engages in this strange ritual of apologizing to a bug after absolutely rocking its shit, Keisha explained that she does feel bad.
“I know the spider wasn’t trying to hurt me, but it was in my house, so I had to kill it,” she told reporters, as if this makes the deed any less heinous. “I hate killing bugs!”
Reporters ventured to guess the bugs similarly hate being killed.
As far as whether this apology is internalized by the spiders, scientists confirm bugs who have been recently killed do not hear your remorse after the fact.
“We put brain wave activity monitors on some spiders to see if they acknowledge the apology post-mortem,” said Lead Researcher Dr. Farid Abdallah. “But without fail, every single spider was too dead to notice. It was rude of them, really.”
Dr. Farid continued that, scientifically, this means your guilt will not purify you.
“You just have to accept that you’ve killed the living thing,” he continued. “There’s no way around it. They do not care that you feel about killing them. You have killed them, nonetheless.”
As of press time, Keisha found an ant crawling on the side of her shower and, without a second thought, sprayed it with her showerhead until it presumably drowned. After this, she said aloud, “That’s my bad,” as if the ant – newly dead – gave a shit.
