Woman Apologizes to Dead Bug as if Her Guilt Will Purify Her “She apologized, but the spider was too dead to notice.”
Awkward! Best Friend Just Referred to You as Her Coworker “Take a stake and drive it through my heart, why don’t you?”
How Times Change! 30-Year-Old Woman Would Actually Be Really Excited to Receive an Edible Arrangement How the years fly by!
Woman in Desperate Need of Therapist Who Can Slap Her “I need my therapist to stop this destructive downward spiral by hitting me in the face.”
Entire Trajectory of Woman’s Life Changed by Singular Good Bowel Movement “It was so good I finally found the energy to apply to my dream job.”
Facebook Marketplace Interaction 20% About Furniture, 80% About Desire to Be Chased It’s about feeding the deep psychological desire to be sought after.
Woman Entering Grocery Store Loses Capacity to Plan More Than Two Meals Ahead “I guess for lunch I’ll have corn?”
Woman Unfamiliar With Positive Political News Throws Computer Out of Habit “How do people process positive news?”
REPORT: Boyfriend Stuck in Duvet Cover “He told me he had this ‘special way’ to put a duvet cover back on.”
Group Text Celebrates 500th Consecutive Day of Being Active Nonstop “My phone buzzes every nine minutes exactly.”
Woman Spends Entirety of 30s Resting Between Sets at the Gym “A decade is roughly enough time to start to feel like I’m ready to start that second set.”
REPORT: Minnesotan Ambulance Just Needs to Scoot Past Ya “We’re certainly in a rush, but we don’t mean to inconvenience anyone.”
Introvert Requires 48 Hours of Alone Time to Recover From 15-Minute Conversation “Engaging verbally with another human just drops my energy levels to zero.”
Roommate Convinced Apartment Is Haunted by Ghost Who Only Ever Takes Out the Recycling “Sometimes, certain hard plastics and empty cans of soda are also gone.”
Woman Completes Every Single Work Task Between 4 p.m. and 4:45 p.m. Harmony maintains that she can only work under extreme duress.
REPORT: Meaning of Tattoo Will Certainly Convince Parents to Like It Your parents hate tattoos, but maybe this time things will be different for no discernible reason at all.
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